Style Invitational Week 1352: Hee-rotica Write a steamy scene for a non-steamy situation. Plus winning compare/contrasts. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers close Image without a caption Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email Email Bio Bio Follow Follow Oct. 3, 2019 at 10:23 a.m. EDT (Click here to skip down <#report> to the winners of our recurring compare/contrast contest) *“As a bearded barista pours my coffee, *he discreetly reaches below the counter. My eyes can’t help but follow his hand — down, down — until, to my delight, he pulls out his big, bulging carton of oat milk. ‘I was hiding this from the other customers,’ he tells me, with a wink. ‘But you can have as much as you want.’ ” *“I find a lunch in Midtown* that costs less than ten dollars. ‘Yes!’ I cry out. ‘Oh, God, yes!’ The cashier hands me a surprisingly substantial sandwich.” This week’s contest was inspired by “Sexual Fantasies of Everyday New Yorkers,” a recent humor piece in the online New Yorker by Mark Cognata, and shared with the Empress by Always-on-the-Lookout Loser Daphne Steinberg. Let’s broaden Mark’s idea.*This week: Write a short steamy scene (100 words would be considered long) about a non-steamy event,* as in the vignettes above from Mark’s article. You might want to attribute the scene to a relevant person: An accountant? A plumber? Mitch McConnell? Submit up to 25 entries at *wapo.st/enter-invite-1352* (no capitals in the Web address). Winner gets the *Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, apropos of this week’s hot-’n’-heavy contest, receives *Undies for Two, *a polyester bikini that might have just two kinis, but it has four leg holes; the idea is that two (thin) people somehow wriggle into it facing each other, supposedly in anticipation of ensuing high jinks, though I’m not sure how the wearers would actually /move./ Donated (new, yes) by Style Invitational Devotee Kathleen Delano, then declined — can you believe it! — by whoever “won” it when I first offered it a year ago. *Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “Too-Weak Notice” or “Certificate of (de) Merit.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday, Oct. 14;* results published Nov. 3 in print, Oct. 31 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline “In Snark Contrast” is by Bill Dorner; Gary Crockett, Kevin Dopart and Jeff Contompasis all submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational *The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/conv1352. And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . In snark contrast: Report from Week 1348 *Week 1348* was the latest of our perennial compare/contrast contests: The Empress supplied a list of 17 random objects, and the Loser Community had to explain how any two were similar or different. Submitted too frequently: The difference between *Sean Spicer doing the tango and crossword guru Will Shortz: *Only one doesn’t have a clue. And how are *Redskins tickets like a dot matrix printer?* They were last desirable in 1992. 4th place: *A dot matrix printer: *You get to watch it make a lot of noise and print. *Fifty-yard-line Redskins tickets:* You get to watch them make a lot of noise and punt. /(Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) / 3rd place: *Clown Shoe Friday:* Flopsy. *Boris Johnson’s hair:* Mopsy.*Jockey shorts:* Cotton tail./(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) / 2nd place /and the German T-shirt with Einstein sticking his tongue out : / *Charred mollusk on a stick* and *Sean Spicer doing the tango:* Each could be described as a slug with a stick up its butt, but only the mollusk would be described as well done./(Mary McNamara, Washington) / And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *A hard Brexit* and*Jockey shorts: *Two things we hope we never see Boris Johnson pull off. /(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) / Poor relations: Honorable mentions *Sean Spicer doing the tango* and *a hard Brexit:* For the tango, /everyone/ voted “leave.” /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / //How are *a hard Brexit* and *avocado toast *the same? Both are toast./(Steve Smith, Potomac; Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.) / *Charred mollusk on a stick:* Oyster gets skewered. *A hard Brexit:* Ulster gets skewered. /(David Peckarsky, Tucson) / With *a hard Brexit,* you’re done with the E.U. With*Sean Spicer doing the tango, *you’re just getting started with the eeewww … /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / *A hard Brexit: *Bye-bye, E.U.! *Jockey shorts*: By and by, P.U.! /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ *A hard Brexit* and *Boris Johnson’s hair:* There’s no parting in sight. /(J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) / *A bicycle built for 20* and *Boris Johnson’s hair:* It would be preferable to get rid of 90 percent of both./(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) / The difference between *a bicycle built for 20* and *Sean Spicer doing the tango:* The first has 18 more left feet./(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) / *A bicycle built for 20* and *Will Shortz:* With both, you’ll often see 20 down./(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) / *A bicycle built for 20* and *Jockey shorts:* With both, telltale skid marks can indicate an internal mechanical problem./(Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) / The main difference between a *charred mollusk on a stick *and *John Bolton’s mustache:* the stick. /(Warren Tanabe)/ *John Bolton’s mustache* and *the 50,000 people of Greenland:* With both, lots of Danish tend to be sprinkled throughout. /(Frank Osen)/ What do *the 50,000 people of Greenland* call *a bicycle built for 20?* Mass transit./(Pia Palamidessi, Cumberland, Md., a First Offender) / *The 50,000 people of Greenland *vs. *charred mollusk on a stick:* The former could be called Denmark’s Ultra-cool Hicks; the latter is an anagram of that. /(Jesse Frankovich) / *Clown Shoe Friday *and *50-yard-line Redskins tickets:* The Redskins usually play on Sunday. /(Duncan Stevens) / *Clown Shoe Friday *and *Boris Johnson’s hair: *Both are likely to be accompanied by nonsensical antics and a big red nose. /(Duncan Stevens/) The difference between *Will Shortz* and *50-yard-line Redskins tickets:* With Shortz, you’ll eventually get to see a solution to the weekly problem. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/ *Will Shortz* and *50-yard-line Redskins tickets:* With the first, you spend Sunday morning; with the second, you spend Sunday mourning./(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) / *Clown Shoe Friday* vs. *Sean Spicer dancing the tango:* More people would want to observe Clown Shoe Friday./(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring) / *Jockey shorts:* tighty-whiteys. *Bedbugs:* mitey-biteys./(Chris Doyle) / *Jockey shorts* and *Boris Johnson’s hair:* Jockey shorts cover an ass less embarrassingly. /(Duncan Stevens) / *Jockey shorts* are like *Sean Spicer doing the tango: *With both, you might report “crowded ballroom.”/(Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.)/ // *Jockey shorts* and *hand-marke* *d ballots:* Chad won’t be hanging in either. /(Frank Osen; Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) / *Fifty-yard-line Redskins tickets* and *bedbugs: *More people are comfortable admitting they have bedbugs. /(Frank Osen) / The difference between *bedbugs *and *John Bolton’s mustache: *One makes you look away in pure revulsion, and the other can be treated by using a dryer with a high heat setting. /(Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) / *Bedbugs* and *the 50,000 people of Greenland:* Bedbugs will have somewhere to live in 30 years. /(Duncan Stevens) / *Fifty-yard-line Redskins tickets *and *Will Shortz:* With the tickets, you end up with a lot of crass words./(Mike Gips)/ *Avocado toast: *“Yum!” — Millennials. *Bedbugs:* “Yum! Millennials!”/(Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) / How*John Bolton’s mustache *is different from *bedbugs:* Mar-a-Lago guests still report seeing bedbugs./(Steve Smith; Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.) / The difference between *avocado toas*t and *Russian dressing: *Donald Trump didn’t go backstage at the Miss Universe pageant in Moscow to see avocado toast. (/Jesse Frankovich)/ *A dot matrix printer* and *a hard Brexit:* The printer actually has some resolution./(Mike Gips) / *Still running — deadline also Oct. 14: our contest for timely Halloween contest ideas — or photos of actual new costumes. See wapo.st/invite1351. *